I wonder if you feel the same way about me, because when I look at you, I look at you with feelings.
I know I’m being selfish, but I cannot imagine 6 months without you. I want to be able to see you after work, to Skype you to sleep. I want to be able to hold your hand and kiss your cheek. I want to spend Valentines Day with you, I want you to be physically here for me, not in the States. I don’t want you to go. I’ll miss you.
You know, one day this will be a perfect representation of our lives. We will one day be forced to leave every single strand of childhood behind. We won’t be allowed to bring anything with us, because that’s what growing up is. They force you to become an adult, whether or not you want to. Your childhood will then become something of the past, something you occasionally visit, but subsequently forget about. Twenty years down the road, when you finally remember the child you once were, you will revisit your childhood. That is when you realize that you have gone too far, hurt too much, to ever be able to go back to where you once were. It would seem like the jungle has taken over what you once held dear, and no matter how hard you try, you will not be able to experience it the same way you once did.
I want to hold you hand and walk through the streets of London. I want to hold your hand as we sip on tea on a balcony, with not a worry or a care in the world. I want to hold you in my arms, run my hands through your hair, plant kisses on your forehead and cuddle you to sleep. I want to be the one making you a cup of tea when you have to work through the night. I want you to be the face I wake up to every morning. I want you.
I refuse to acknowledge these feelings because when I do, everything becomes real.
As my scars fade, I feel like I’m losing a piece of myself.
I thought about kissing you today, it sent shivers down my spine.
All it takes is the occasional breakfast in bed, a hot cup of tea on a cold and rainy day, your kisses and I will be yours, forever and always.
What is love?
Love is when you leave the last piece of chicken for him, even though it tastes like sex in your mouth. Love is when you see him getting up to leave, and purposely rushing your friends too just so you can walk past him before he glides off into the imaginary sunset never to be seen again until next Tuesday. Love is when you want to hug him just as he says bye, because every hug brings you that much closer to each other.
Make me feel like I’m loved for once, because it’s now or never. Once you lose me, I’m never coming back.
I’m sorry I can’t be the perfect daughter, I’m sorry I screw up. I’m sorry you have to take care of me, I’m sorry that I will never ever live up to your expectations. I don’t ask that you lavish me with all your love 24/7, seven days a week, 365 days a year, but I would really appreciate it if I could wake up to a nice and quiet morning instead of having you shout in my face, reminding me of all the mistakes I have ever made in my life. I would appreciate it if you didn’t storm into my room, screaming about God knows what, without stopping, and putting yourself in my shoes. How do you think I feel now that school has started. Do you not know that I have work to do? Do you not understand that I am sick? Do you not believe me when I say that I am doing my work and you only believe that I am lazy, useless and disgusting? You say you love me and this is all for my own good, but guess what. You make me feel that way. You make me feel disgusted about myself - the way I look, the way I act. I just want to leave everything behind. Don’t be surprised if one day I do. Don’t regret it, because this is what you have ingrained in me - a deep set loathing of myself and who I am. Don’t act surprised, because you should have seen all this coming. And when it does, just embrace it.
Tuesdays and Fridays are best because those days are when the probability of me seeing you is the highest.
What is happiness? Happiness is when I see McDonald’s breakfast when I wake up. Happiness is when I see kids smile, and hear their laughter. Happiness is when I see you in between classes.